Blue Notes
by karenec
Summary: Third Place Winner in The Slash Writers' Workshop "Christmas in My Hometown Competition." Edward doesn't keep secrets. At least, not until Seth asks him to. Slash, AH.


This was my entry for the **Slash Writers Workshop _Christmas In My Hometown Competition_**_._

I am stunned and honored that my entry was chosen as the Third Place Winner. Thank you to Delphius Fanfic, Nat Wood, Nancy HarryTwifan, and Malice Lash for organizing and judging, and to JA Mash who designed a really beautiful banner that I have linked on my profile.

Thank you to my beta, Discordia81, for being endlessly patient and a super word wrangler.

**Note:** This is a slash story. Meaning men in love.

**Disclaimer:** I don't own Twilight. I do own many John Coltrane mp3s.

* * *

Rose and I are taking inventory when the smell of chocolate fills the air. There is a nudge at my left elbow, and I glance up to see a pair of white mugs and Alice's green eyes.

"Try this," she says. "Jasper brought the recipe back from Oaxaca."

I take a mug and sip, humming as the flavors of chocolate, cinnamon, and chili hit my tongue.

"Delicious," Rose says. "Are we adding this to the café menu?"

A smile curls the corners of Alice's mouth. "I thought it would be nice for the holidays. We could call it the Oaxaca Warmer."

"Please, no," I scoff. "Keep it simple; Chili Hot Chocolate is more than adequate."

"That's boring, Edward. We need to intrigue the students," Alice argues.

"There won't be many of them in a couple of weeks," I remind her. "With Thanksgiving behind us, they're all just counting down to winter break."

Alice nods and wipes my chocolate mustache with her thumb.

There's a certain fluidity of time in college towns like Bradley, dictated as much by the ebb and flow of students as by the change of seasons. We business owners observe the cyclical gains and losses in clientele closely. In a month, the students will depart for six weeks. And the bustling café-bookshop that my family owns will transform into a quiet haven.

This afternoon, the shop is busy. The bell over the door rings and Rose walks off to greet the customers.

I notice Alice's solemn expression and cock my head at her. "What's with the face? Things will slow down in a couple of weeks."

She tucks her hand in the crook of my elbow, drawing me toward the sofa in the café.

"Oh, I know. I don't mind the craziness; it's fun setting up for the holidays. The long face is your fault."

We sit and I put my tablet and mug on the table before turning to face her. "My fault? What have I done?"

"You've been holding out on me, Edward. I've been patient, but it's been a month and you haven't said a word about Seth."

I shake my head, fixing my gaze on my hands. I don't confirm or deny, but I can't stop the grin that spreads over my face. "I don't have anything to say, Alice."

"Ah," Alice says, and I hear the grin in her voice, too. "I see how it is."

"And what is it you see?"

"You're smitten." Her voice is smug and makes me laugh.

~oOo~

Seth and Emmett are talking about music when I make it to the pub. Seth's smile lights his face when he spots me by the door.

"Hey, Ed," Emmett calls, swiping at the bar with a towel. "Seth was just telling me that you make him listen to Coltrane."

I pull up a stool, laughing when Seth rolls his eyes at the bartender. "Bullshit. I _like_ the Coltrane, you oaf."

Emmett snorts and pours a pint of my favorite ale. "Dude, Ed and I have known each since kindergarten. He's always been a scrawny, ginger-headed fucker with crap taste in music."

"When you're finished, I'd like a menu, please," I say, accepting the pint. "If you're going to be like this all night, I need to eat myself into a fried food coma."

"As you wish, highness." Emmett grins, and I narrow my eyes at him.

Seth's smile grows soft when Emmett moves away to grab the menus. "You're beautiful," he murmurs.

I feel my cheeks flush. For a moment, I forget where we are, and that Seth and I are keeping a secret. I simply admire his smile and handsome face. "You're the beautiful one."

~oOo~

"Mmm, Ed." Seth groans.

We're on our knees in my bed, peeling off the last of our clothes. Our teeth and tongues crash together and I can't stop my hiss when Seth's warm fingers slide beneath my waistband and wrap around my cock.

"Jesus… you feel so good," I say, gasping slightly when my breath catches. Seth pushes me backward, his big hands guiding me down onto the bed.

"I missed you," he murmurs, his lips moving hungrily over my jaw and throat. "It's only been three days; how can I miss you this much?"

I pull him closer, raising my hips so our cocks connect. Seth's moan is long and low when I murmur in his ear. "I missed you too. Let me get you ready."

Seth rolls aside, watching me strip off my boxers and turn to the nightstand for lube and a condom. He licks his lips when I settle between his knees and his eyes widen when my slick fingers slide inside him. His head presses hard into the pillow and he begs for more.

He groans when two fingers become three. He moans when I bend and slip my lips over his dick. "Oh, Christ."

I hum, letting my mouth and hands move without hurry until Seth is writhing. When the pitch of his voice and speed of his breaths become urgent, I sit back on my heels, using my hands to guide him onto his hands and knees.

Seth is mumbling, pleading with me to fill him. I rub circles into his skin with one hand and he sighs, resting his head on his arms. He fists the sheets when I push into his ass, and gasps when I roll my hips against him. Wrapping one arm around his shoulders and the other around his waist, I hold him tightly and scatter kisses across his skin.

"Feels good, babe," I murmur.

Seth reaches back, grabbing at my ass and thigh, trying to pull me closer. He shudders when I drop a hand to fist his cock and our panting breaths fill the quiet room.

He pushes back to meet my thrusts, spreading his legs wide, his muscles trembling and his tawny skin glowing and slick with sweat. He cries out when I shift slightly. "God, just like that. Ed, _please_. More."

An aching tingle spreads in my balls and belly, making me drive forward into Seth harder and faster, grunting with each thrust. I pump him with steady strokes until he buckles.

"Fuck!" he shouts, his body curling inward as his come stripes the sheets.

"Jesus Christ, Seth," I mutter.

My mind goes blank and my body reacts. Seth's ass pulses around my cock, and his dick twitches in my hand. There is a stream of moaning words that might be mine, and my head whirls when I come so fucking hard.

Seth is lowering us both onto the mattress with shaky arms when I come back to myself. I laugh and roll onto my side, helping him collapse beside me. We ignore the sticky sheets and wrap ourselves together while our breaths and heartbeats slow.

~oOo~

We shower and go to the kitchen for a bottle of wine. As he often does, Seth stops by the corkboard above the kitchen table. He reaches toward a photo snapped the week before at Thanksgiving dinner and I watch his finger trace my face before moving amongst the others.

"I'm not the only ginger-headed fucker in the family, in case you were wondering," I say, pouring wine.

Seth's smile is bright. "I wasn't... but what does that mean?"

"Rosie really is blonde; she takes after my father. My mother and Alice on the other hand," I hand him a glass and nod at the two brunettes in the photo. "They get a little help from a box of Miss Clairol."

"Ah. So you're the only ginger-headed fucker that's out of the closet," Seth chuckles, pushing the hair out of my eyes with one hand.

"In more ways than one, babe."

Seth's eyes flick from mine back to the photo, and his handsome face grows pensive. I wince at my own careless words when I feel his mood shift.

"I didn't mean anything," I start and Seth shakes his head.

"Did you tell them…?" he asks, his eyes nervous when he looks at me. "Did you tell them about us?"

"Alice knows," I tell him quietly, sliding my free arm around his waist. "I know you're not ready. But Alice… she's got a funny way of knowing things. She won't say anything."

Seth's dark eyes are sad when he raises a hand to my cheek. "I'm sorry. I just don't know how to tell my family… to tell anyone, really."

"It's all right," I murmur, leaning to place a soft kiss on his shoulder. "When you're ready, you'll know. I'm not going anywhere. Okay?"

"Okay," he agrees.

~oOo~

Emmett wakes me early on Sunday morning. He doesn't call ahead, but bangs on the door until I emerge, bleary-eyed and yawning. We walk into the town center to Minnie's Café and chuckle at the server's reindeer costume while we order.

Emmett waits until the food is on the table before he levels a cool stare at me.

"Couldn't wake Seth up to join us?" he asks around a mouthful of corned beef hash.

I blink. My forkful of eggs hovers in mid-air for a moment before it clanks back onto my plate and I reach for my coffee. "I didn't think to call him."

"Come on, Ed." Emmett scowls and his blue eyes flash with hurt. "You guys come in to the pub a couple of times a week. I see the way you look at Seth, and he's looking right back."

"Okay, yes." I sigh and run my hands through my hair. "We've been seeing each other since Halloween."

Emmett watches me silently for a moment before he nods and turns back to his plate. "Okay. Since when is Seth gay?"

"Ohhh, let's see... since he was born?"

"Knock it off." Emmett's voice is quiet, and I feel like shit for being a smart ass. "We've known Seth since high school; I never got a vibe from him."

"Yeah, I know-" I start before he interrupts.

"And I'd be happy for you if I wasn't tempted to kick your ass for fucking hiding the whole thing from me. What the hell, Ed?"

"I'm sorry, really," I tell him earnestly. "Seth's not out. He only came to terms with being gay when he was away at school in Chicago. Now he's back here in Bradley, and no one knows about him. Well, Alice knows. And you."

"So maybe he _hasn't_ come to terms. Does he want to come out?"

"He does; the hiding is getting to him. But he doesn't know how to tell his family, and he's worried about work. He's not sure the school will support a gay man teaching high school math."

Emmett snorts. "He doesn't know Mr. Banner then; he and Coach Clapp have been together for _years_. Banner oversees the student LGBT group for Christ's sake."

I nod and eat my omelet. "I know. I think Seth's just overwhelmed at the whole idea."

"If he's not out, how did this thing you've got going happen?"

"I ran into him at a gay bar in Westampton."

Emmett's eyes widen. "Get the fuck out."

"I swear to God." I chuckle when I think about that night. "I was supposed to meet James for drinks and he canceled. I was going to leave when Seth sat down next to me. He tried to play it off like he didn't know what kind of bar it was. But, you know: man alone in a gay bar, ten miles from home, at eleven-thirty at night..."

Emmett laughs. "Busted. Jesus, you must have scared the ever living shit out of him."

"The poor guy almost had an anxiety attack. It took ten minutes to calm him down. And then another ten minutes to make him stop apologizing for not telling me in the first place.

"We started talking, just catching up, really. He bought me a drink... and I asked him out for dinner. Now here we are." I shrug and signal for more coffee.

"So you guys work this 'buddies' thing when you go out in public?"

I wait until the server refills our mugs before I answer. "Yeah. We spend time together at my place. I've been to his apartment, but it's not like I can stay over... Seth doesn't want his neighbors gossiping. He worries about my neighbors, too."

"Jesus, man." Emmett's gentle tone makes my chest ache. "You're not cool with this, right? I mean, you came out in high school. You convinced _me_ to come out. It's not like we walk around town with signs or anything, but… hiding out's not something we _do_."

"I know." My smile feels strained. "I hate it. It's shitty not being able to be myself when we're here in town. I can't hold Seth's hand, or touch him… I miss that.

"What kind of man would I be, though, if I broke up with him because he's not ready? That's not something I'd do."

"And you like him."

"And I like him. I like him a lot"

"Okay, then." Emmett's expression is serious. "Just… talk to me, Ed. I get that this is a big deal for Seth, but you don't have to do it alone."

I poke his forearm gently. "I'm sorry, Em, really."

"I know you are."

He presses his lips together like he's weighing his words. "Be careful, okay?"

I frown and open my mouth to protest and Emmett shakes his head slowly before he speaks again.

"I like Seth, don't get me wrong. But hiding who you are is risky. Make sure you take care of yourself, too, Edward. I don't want to see anyone get hurt."

~oOo~

Seth is still dozing in my bed when I get home. Quietly, I strip off my clothes and slide in behind him, spooning him against my chest.

"You're cold," he murmurs, shivering against my chilled skin and pulling on my arms to snuggle closer.

I kiss the back of neck in apology and smile when Seth turns in my arms and winds his arms around my neck. His lips are so soft when he kisses me, and I sigh when our tongues slide together. His eyes are sleepy and sexy when I pull back to look at him and my chest swells.

Seth's fingers gently scratch the nape of my neck. "Was Emmett pissed that you didn't invite him in?"

My stomach twists when I remember Emmett's face at breakfast. "Em knows, Seth. He asked me about you, straight out. I couldn't lie to him."

His eyes widen for a second before he closes them and his voice is hollow when he speaks. "So now he knows."

"He's my best friend, babe." I run my fingers over his hairline, following the line of his face to his chin. "It was only a matter of time before he figured it out. You know he won't say anything. We can trust him."

~oOo~

Midway through the first week of December, I wake up to a frosting of white flakes on the trees and houses. Alice is vibrating with excitement when I get to work. She's playing holiday music and is decorating the shop with twinkling lights and electric candles. I laugh and help her with the corners she can't reach, and refuse to wear a jingle bell around my neck.

The bell over the front door rings and my mom walks in with a smile and a basket of muffins for the café. My dad laughs before he takes me into the back to unpack a shipment of books.

"Let me guess," he says with a grin. "You couldn't rein Alice in."

I grin back, handing him a stack from the first box. "I didn't bother trying."

We work for a couple of hours to go through the boxes, scanning the ISBNs and updating the inventory. My mom stops in with muffins and mugs of the chili hot chocolate, and we chat about hanging lights in the shop windows.

I catch my mom watching me when I hand her my empty mug, and she smiles like the cat that ate the canary.

"What's that look for?"

"You look good, son," she says. Her hazel eyes are warm and her smile grows a little bigger. "You look happy."

"Well, I am happy, Mom."

"Oh, I know you are, dear. But there's something else going on, I think. You've met someone, maybe," she says. Her voice is calm and sure, and now my dad is looking at me curiously.

I want to kick myself when I feel the blood creep into my cheeks. My mouth opens and then closes because I realize that I am about to lie to my parents about Seth. My heart pounds and my mother's smile falters slightly at my expression.

I'm saved when Rose appears and tells me she needs help unlocking a register.

~oOo~

I'm making Seth's favorite stir-fry when he knocks at the door.

"It's open," I call over the sizzle of the wok and smile when I hear his boots thumping in the hall. "I'm in the kitchen, babe."

The chill from outside is on his clothes and skin when he steps up behind me. His arms curl around my chest, and he props his chin on my shoulder, pressing a cool kiss against my neck.

"Fuck, yes," he says, eyeing the wok. "Is this the recipe with the sweet potato?"

"Yes," I kiss him quickly. "I have to watch this or it will burn; will you open the wine?"

"As you wish, highness," he says in a terrible British accent before he pulls away. Seth found my copy of The Princess Bride last weekend and, like Emmett, likes to tease me about it.

He turns on my iPod and fills the house with 'Blue Train' while he sets the table. We chat about our week and I tell him that Alice has decorated the shop. Seth smiles when I mention that half of her twinkling lights are pink.

"That's not very Christmassy, is it?"

"Well, she's not decorating for Christmas, per se," I explain as we sit. "Our customers come from so many different cultures; we gave up trying to celebrate any one holiday. So now it's all snowflakes, electric candles, and as many lights as Alice can find. She claims the pink lights are for pride, but the truth is that she fucking loves pink."

Seth's face is thoughtful. "Did… was it weird telling your family? Coming out, I mean?"

"Well, I was sixteen," I remind him, and his eyes widen a little. "So, yeah, I was nervous."

"That they'd hate you?"

I frown at his troubled expression. "My parents don't really hate anyone. All my life they've had friends from all over the world… every kind of religion, color, creed, whatever. It never occurred to me that wouldn't love me because I'm gay.

"They were surprised, though. My mom was-" I cut myself off and sip my wine. "It made her sad to think I might never have kids. It still does sometimes. We talk about it now and then, and how it could happen if I want it."

"Your parents are pretty amazing," Seth says, using his chopsticks to push around his food. "You're lucky to have them."

"Yeah, they're great," I tell him, and poke him softly with my elbow until he looks at me. "But the whole family put time into making it work for everyone."

Seth is quiet for a moment before he changes the subject. He talks about his students and their increasing distraction as the holidays approach. I laugh when he tells me about catching Jacob Black making out with the Police Chief's daughter in an empty classroom.

"Wait a second," I say. "Jacob's your cousin, isn't he?"

Seth's ears turn pink. He grimaces and laughs loudly. "Yep. And that made it a hundred times more awkward. I'm not sure who was more embarrassed, Jacob or me."

I can't help myself. I put my chopsticks down and pull him close to kiss him, tasting wine and soy sauce and man. Seth kisses me back deeply, his warm hands splayed on my neck, and moans into my mouth.

~oOo~

We're in the shower, washing the lube and come from our bodies. I rinse the last of the shampoo from Seth's hair when he sinks to his knees in front of me.

"Babe," I say when he looks at me. I push back his black hair and my heart swells.

Seth nuzzles his face into the soft skin of my groin, making me groan. He uses his long fingers well, one hand wrapping around my cock while the other rolls my balls, and the back of my head hits the tiles with a thunk.

I hiss when he takes me deep, and dig my hands into his hair. "Oh, shit."

He's gorgeous, the water beading on his long eyelashes and making his skin and hair shine. He sucks me relentlessly and even roughly, the way I like it, and when I shift my hands, he hums, encouraging me to fuck his mouth. By the time his fingers move to tease my ass, I'm soaring and begging to come.

"Seth… fuck!" I stiffen when he swallows around me and I buck hard into his throat and come.

He moans and swallows, bracing me against the shower wall with one arm and shoulder when my knees begin to shake. I hear and feel him beneath me, as if from far away, while I ride my high.

I groan when Seth pulls back to press breathless kisses to my thighs. Tugging gently at his hair, I pull him to his feet so I can crush my mouth against his.

~oOo~

"Try this," Alice says. She's wearing an elf hat and is holding up what looks like two squares of swirly pink rubber on lollipop sticks.

I finish shelving the books in my hands before I turn to take one stick, cocking my head at its strangeness.

"What... is it food?"

My sister huffs when I sniff the pink square suspiciously. Her words and the smell of peppermint register at the same time.

"Yes, its food, you boob. They're peppermint marshmallow pops."

I narrow my eyes at her and stick the pink… thing in my mouth, feeling more than a little relieved to taste sugar and mint. "Hmmm. It's good."

Alice beams and rubs her hands together. "Mom thought we could sell them in the café."

"You need to make them look more like food," I say, chewing the gob. "Try using candy canes instead of these white sticks."

"Fucking genius," my sister murmurs, handing me the other pop. Her eyebrows furrow in thought as she drifts back toward the café.

The bell over the front door rings and I'm chewing and humming along to 'Winter Wonderland' when I notice some movement to my left. My mouth drops open a little in surprise when I meet a pair of dark eyes almost exactly like Seth's.

"Hi, Edward," Sue Clearwater says with a smile. "Think you can help me put a dent in my shopping list?"

"Miz Clearwater, hey," I say, swallowing and hoping that my teeth aren't covered with pink goo.

She arches a brow at me. "I've told you before, Edward; it's Sue. Miz Clearwater is my mother-in-law's name."

"Right, sorry. Sue, hey." I move to shake her hand and realize that I'm still holding the other marshmallow pop, which makes us both laugh.

"Oops. My sister is selling these in the café. They're totally edible, I promise. Any interest?" I wave the stick between my fingers at her with a grin.

She purses her lips, but her eyes twinkle when she nods. "I need a little pick-me-up after all the walking I've done today. I can't believe Christmas is only ten days away."

"Alice made some hot chocolate about ten minutes ago. Let's grab a cup and then see what we can do about your list."

We spend the next half hour finding most of the books on her list, and place an order for one out-of-stock item. The cashier, Bree, is bagging the purchases when I realize how heavy the three bags are for one person.

"Sue, where are you parked? Let me help you get these bags to your car."

"Oh, that's okay, Edward." She smiles brightly. "Seth can carry them. Poor guy; I've loaded him up like a pack mule all afternoon and he's never complained."

I blink, trying to understand before I follow her gaze to the window at the front of the shop. Seth is standing outside on the sidewalk, his back to us. I recognize the tension in his posture and the way his hands are jammed in his pockets. And I know in a flash that he's been there the whole time, waiting for his mother to finish shopping rather than face me at her side.

Sue Clearwater's voice breaks through the buzz in my ears. "Edward, are you all right?"

I look from the figure outside back to Sue's face and my heart squeezes when I see her concern. Her eyes are soft and kind, and so goddamned familiar that my throat tightens. My heart pounds and I realize that I _cannot_ be in this room when Seth walks in. I can't bear to think that he'll look at me as like he hardly knows me or, worse, that he won't look at me at all.

"Oh, I'm fine," I say hollowly. "I spaced out there for a second, Sue. I must have had one too many of those marshmallows."

I paste a smile on my face and wish her a good evening before making an excuse to get off the sales floor. The bell over the door rings as I make my way to the back room where I can hide among the books and wait for my heart to quiet.

~oOo~

Seth looks miserable when I sit down across from him. I was surprised when he invited me to lunch on a school day, and then chose a place across town from the school.

"How soon before you have to get back to campus?"

"They let out early today," he says fingering the edge of the placemat. "I'll go back after we're done here."

I hate that he won't look at me and that I can't just reach over and take his hand. Before I can ask him what's wrong, the server is there to take our orders. My stomach is tight and the last thing I want to do is eat, but we order and I wait until the server leaves before trying again.

"Seth. You have to talk to me. What's going on?"

He heaves a deep breath and looks at me with such sorrow. "Edward, I'm so sorry about yesterday. My mom and the shop… I feel like such a piece of shit."

I twist my hands together under the table to keep myself from touching him.

"I wish I could tell you that it's okay," I say gently. "But I can't. This hiding thing is hard for me."

Seth nods and his words spill out in a rush. He tells me that Sue showed up unannounced yesterday to drag him shopping with her. He tried to divert her from the shop, or at least to warn me, and didn't know how to call ahead without making her suspicious.

Every word underlines how much he is hiding from the people in his life, including me. And every word makes me feel worse.

"Babe," I murmur and frown when his face pales. "It doesn't have to be like this. We shouldn't have to act like strangers when we're in public."

Seth's voice is pained. "I know. It _shouldn't_ be this way. I'm the one making it difficult."

I open my mouth to protest and stop when he plows forward.

"I can't do this, Edward," he says with an awful finality. "I... I can't keep hiding from my family. I've been avoiding them for weeks because I'm always with you, and that's not right.

"I'm not like you. I don't have my shit figured out and I don't know how to do this, how to be this person. I need some time to figure out how to deal with this… _life_. Maybe then I'll know what to do and what to tell them, I don't know."

The anger and shame in Seth's face as he talks makes my blood run cold. And suddenly I'm so angry that I want to punch him.

"This is what you have to say to me?" My voice is low and dangerous, and I see the surprise in his eyes. "You're not the only person struggling here, Seth. I'm part of this. I've been hiding too, something I swore to myself that I would never do."

My heart is crashing in my chest and I feel my face twisting with anger. "I've been lying to the most important people in my life because you fucking asked me to. I did it for you because I thought-" I cut myself off and shove my chair away from the table.

"Wait!" Seth's voice is low as he pleads. He leans across the table without thinking and then jerks back into his seat, fear written on his face. "You thought what, Edward? Just wait a second!"

"It doesn't matter," I say and realize that I am shaking with adrenaline and emotion. I run my hands through my hair, trying to calm myself down, but the shaking gets worse, so I force myself to stand. "I have to go, Seth. Take care of yourself."

~oOo~

My head is throbbing when my sisters find me sitting at the break table with my eyes closed. They know just from looking at me that I'm in bad shape.

"Oh, hell," Alice says quietly. "You can't drive like this, can you?"

"No," I murmur.

"Do you have any of your pills here?"

I have a prescription for these monster headaches, but nothing with me. Rose sighs and softly rubs the space between my shoulders.

"Let's get you home, sweetie," she says and helps me to my feet. "I'll stay and close up tonight."

The ride home is a blur of too strong lights and smells. I keep my eyes closed and focus on not vomiting in Alice's car while she drives slowly and says nothing.

I tell her she can go once we're inside my house, and she shushes me and puts me to bed. She draws my window shades while I struggle out of my clothes and take my pills.

"I'm turning your ringers off," Alice whispers, and puts a bag of frozen peas from the freezer over the top of my head. "There's water on the nightstand. And there's a bucket on the floor here if you feel like you're going to puke. Rose and I will bring your car back tonight."

I know she wants to ask me about this migraine; she knows that Seth and I had lunch and she is certainly smart enough to put two and two together.

Right now, I can't; I don't even want to think, let alone talk. My head is pulsing and my heart is heavy, and I need things to be quiet and dark and still. I just want to sleep.

~oOo~

My father is sitting in my kitchen when I get up the next morning. He throws out the defrosted bag of peas I'm carrying and makes me sit at the table with a bottle of Gatorade while he fixes a cold breakfast.

"When did you eat last?" he asks, putting a plate of sliced cheese and muffins down between us. They're my favorite muffins, lemon-blueberry, and fresh. I know my mom got up early to make them.

"Yesterday morning, I think. What time is it? Is it… is it Saturday?"

My dad brings mugs of coffee to the table and sits, reaching for the plate of food. "Yes, it's Saturday. It's almost eight. Alice left here around six last night; you slept over thirteen hours. It's been awhile since you had a migraine… how do you feel?"

"Tired," I say immediately, and my dad smiles; I'm always wiped out the day after a headache, no matter how much I've slept. "My head is better, though."

We eat and my dad tells me he'll cover for me at the shop. I feel bad for leaving him in the lurch on a heavy shopping day, but we both know I'll be of no use there. By the time he needs to leave, I am starting to feel drowsy again, despite the coffee.

"Do you want to talk about it?" he asks as we walk to the living room.

I sag on to the couch and think about it for a minute before I lie, "I'm fine, Dad. I've just been stressed out. The holidays are always nuts."

"Edward." My dad's blue eyes are worried. "You'd tell us if you needed help, right? Your mom and I… your sisters… there's nothing you can't tell us. You know that, don't you?"

My eyes sting when I see the love and concern in my father's face. I have never kept important things in my life from my family and the weight of my guilt makes me feel like I am drowning.

"I know," I tell him quietly and let my lids slip closed.

"Okay, son." His gentle voice is disappointed, but he doesn't push. "Your mom may be by later today. I know you don't need her to check on you; she wants to.

He hesitates slightly. "We're trimming the Christmas tree tomorrow after dinner. Get some rest, son."

I bite the inside of my lip when I feel his hand on my hair, and I nod to let him know I heard him. And I manage not to let any tears slip until he's out the door.

It's past noon before I think to check my phone. There are voicemails and texts from my family and Emmett, checking in to see if I need anything.

I look at the five unread texts from Seth on the screen for a long time before I delete them.

~oOo~

There's so much to do in the week before Christmas that I don't have time to dwell on Seth. The shop is packed every day with shoppers and the town holds a holiday event every evening. I watch the tree lighting ceremony at the Town Hall and the Christmas parade on Pleasant Street, as I have for the last twenty-nine years. And I even manage to smile.

The holiday spirit is high in my family, too. Everyone's house is thoroughly decorated including Emmett's and mine. Alice and my mom make treats for the café and ice gingerbread cookies at all hours, while Rose and I work with the books and my dad handles the shipping and receiving of special orders.

It's late at night and quiet when I most often think of Seth. I lie in bed, smelling the Christmas tree that's perfumed the whole house. I picture Seth beside me, smiling and sleepy-eyed while my hands twine in his black hair, and I miss him.

I miss our talks, the dinners we made, and seeing his boots by the door. I miss him stealing my iPod, his singing in the shower, and his awful fake accents. Holding him, kissing him, fucking him.

I miss him.

~oOo~

"Edward, what's with this iPod?"

I can almost feel the blood draining from my face when I see Rose holding the bag I stashed under the counter. I bought the iPod with plans to load it with Seth's favorite music. Seeing it now, two days before Christmas makes my chest ache.

"It's mine," I say, reaching to take the bag. "I forgot to take it home."

I'm sure my smile is weak. Rose looks at me with clear, blue eyes exactly like my father's before she squeezes my shoulder. The bell over the door rings and she's turning away when I catch her arm.

"Rosie, what are you guys doing tonight?"

"Peter and I are having dinner with Alice and Jas."

"Can you guys reschedule? I was hoping we could all have dinner at mom and dad's."

Rose looks at me and her lips quirk up in amusement. "Do mom and dad know we're having dinner with them?"

"Not exactly," I admit with a laugh. "I'll call them right now."

~oOo~

It's late when I get home from my parents' and I've had too much wine. I feel better than I have since Seth ended things with me, and I am more relaxed than I have for a couple of weeks.

Telling my family felt good. I couldn't tell them every detail about what happened with Seth or even about Seth himself. But I told them enough, and I apologized for keeping things from them.

We ate baked ziti and drank wine while we talked it through together. Emmett and his boyfriend came over for coffee, and we played games and shared the gingerbread cookie surplus. I looked around as the evening wore on, and saw myself alone in the middle of so many couples. Instead of feeling lonely, I felt comforted and cared for.

Now, my phone chimes as I climb into bed and I look at it without thinking, assuming its Alice or Emmett. Instead, it's a message from Seth.

_I'm sorry. I miss you._

I look at the words on my screen for a long time. I could call him; tell him I'll take him back if that's what he wants. I could give him the iPod for Christmas the way I had planned. I could try to make him happy.

But... I can't go back to what we had; I want more. Understanding that he can't give it to me hurts. I know, too, that I should forgive Seth; he is trapped by his world in ways I don't understand.

It's almost dawn when I finally let my fingers move over the keypad.

_I know. I miss you, too._

~oOo~

The shop is open on Christmas Eve. Even with the bulk of the students gone for break, it's busy with last minute shoppers. The bell over the door and the espresso machines in the café create background noise behind the shoppers' voices and the sound of the cash registers. And by mid-afternoon, it starts to wind down.

I'm at the counter looking over special orders when I notice some movement to my left. I blink in surprise and smile when I see Sue Clearwater's dark eyes. Then I notice the worry in them, and the nervous way she is nibbling at her bottom lip with her teeth. She looks downcast and upset, though she's trying to smile.

"Hi, Edward."

"Miz Clearwater, hey. I mean _Sue,_" I tell her with a grin. "Can I help you with something? Oh, you must be here for the book order you placed!"

"Yes, I'm glad to get it while I'm here; your dad called me yesterday to let me know it came in. But really, I'm here to talk to you-" she pauses, looking lost.

I frown when her eyes gloss over with moisture. "Why don't we sit down in the café? I could really use a break, to be honest; I've been on my feet since we opened and I need some caffeine."

We sit by the window and Alice brings us coffee and banana bread. My stomach bounces as I watch Sue struggle to maintain her composure. I don't push, asking her instead if she's ready for Christmas and if her family has special plans.

"We have brunch on Christmas Day," she replies. "Harry's family is out west in Washington, and I'm an only child, so it's pretty low key with just the two of us, Leah and her husband and kids, and Seth."

She sips her coffee and pauses before she says, "I've been hoping Seth would bring someone one year, you know?"

I nod and swallow my nervousness.

"I've always wondered why he's still alone," she says. "When he was in college, there were a few girls here and there. Nothing very serious. And it was okay because we wanted him to focus on studying and his grades.

"Harry's says that I worry too much. Maybe I do, but that's my prerogative as a mother. So I watched Seth as he grew older and stayed alone, and wondered..."

She frowns, studying her hands wrapped around her mug. When she raises her eyes to mine, they're troubled.

"Seth was such an easy kid. Always was, especially in comparison to his sister. And he's grown up to be the same way: easygoing and sweet. Just... Seth.

"I guess we assumed that he'd bring someone home when he knew it was serious. It never occurred to me he might... you know, not want to bring a girl around for other reasons."

I swallow hard. She knows about Seth. Or suspects _something_ at the very least.

"Sue, is Seth okay?"

Sue shakes her head unhappily. "I don't think so. When he moved back here in the spring, he seemed excited to be home again and to start at the school. We worried that he'd be bored after living in Chicago, but he seemed to love it.

"In the fall, something changed. _Seth_ changed. He seemed really happy. I'd ask him about it and he wouldn't say much, though I could see it in his eyes and smile. His dad teased him about having a girlfriend on the side and Seth would get embarrassed; we thought it was because his dad had guessed right.

"Last week... it's like the light in him leaked out. He's too quiet and he seems... down. He says he's okay, but he's always holed up in his apartment and he looks like he hasn't slept. It's not like him, Edward."

"I'm not really sure what to tell you." As much as I want to comfort her, I can say little without giving Seth away. "Maybe you could try talking to him about it again."

"I was hoping you would talk to him," she says and my stomach drops all the way to my feet.

My mouth opens and closes while I try to figure out how to respond, and the pleading look in Sue's expression makes my heart stutter.

"Sue-"

"I saw your texts," she blurts making my blink in surprise. "I brought Seth breakfast yesterday and he asked me to charge his phone while he was showering. It's not locked... the messages were on the screen."

"Look, Sue," I say, inhaling to steady my voice. "It's not my place to talk to you about this. You really need to talk to Seth."

She nods and reaches with one warm hand to cover mine. "I know. He has to _want_ to talk, Edward. And right now... I guess he feels like he can't talk to us.

"Harry and I want him to be happy." When she smiles, I can see how much she loves her son. "It might mean something... different, but we'll do it for him."

"Are you sure?" I ask gently. "Seth loves you all very much. He really needs you."

"We'd do anything for him." Sue's nervousness is gone, replaced with a certainty that makes me smile.

"Okay," I say. "What do you want me to do?"

~oOo~

Leah Clearwater smiles and her eyes dance when she shows me into the house. I hear kids playing somewhere and Christmas music, and the smells of food and the big Christmas tree to my left are amazing.

"Let me get you some coffee, Edward," Leah says. "Mom and I are still cooking, but it won't be long."

She turns toward the kitchen, passing her father as she goes, and suddenly Harry Clearwater is in front of me.

"Hi, Edward." His deep voice is formal yet kind. His eyes are darker than Seth's, almost black, and I see concern and uncertainty in them, mixed with determination. "I hope you're hungry."

I shake his big hand and smile, hoping to reassure him. ""I am, sir. Thank you for having me."

"We're glad you could make it," he says, just before Sue is at his side with a mug of coffee.

"Thanks for coming, Edward." Her smile is broad and she's practically bouncing with nerves. "Seth's on the back sun porch. Maybe you could convince him to join us."

I smile and take the mug she offers me before Harry points the way to the porch door.

The sun porch is bright and warm when I close the door behind me. Seth is sitting on the loveseat in the corner, looking at the Clearwater's snowy backyard through the windows. He's beautifully dressed and so handsome. But his face is weary and unhappy. It takes him a moment to glance over and when he does, his face goes blank with shock.

"Merry Christmas, Seth."

"Edward? What are you doing here?" He blinks in surprise and his voice is hushed.

I sit down beside him and smile. "Your mom stopped by the shop yesterday. She asked me to talk to you."

"I... I didn't know she'd do that," he says, his cheeks flushing red.

"I know. She and your dad are worried. They say you've been down."

He nods and looks even more miserable. His voice is sad when he says, "Maybe I have been."

"Yeah. Your parents also said that you've never brought anyone to Christmas brunch before. They're hoping that you'll bring me this year."

Seth's mouth drops open and he looks from me to the door and back. Tears fill his eyes, along with something else: hope. "Really?" His voice is hoarse.

"Really," I murmur and reach out to take his warm hand in mine.

* * *

**A/N**

Thank you for reading.

**Notes:**

The towns mentioned are modeled after locations in western Massachusetts.

Oaxaca is a state in southwestern Mexico.

John Coltrane released 'Blue Train' in 1957, on Blue Note Records.


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